I’m moving to LA in December and I haven’t told anybody yet. I’m stressed about how this is all going to come together but it needs to happen.
You been takin’ it hard, I know it’s hard. I’m not lyin’ sure it seems like I’m tryin’ to get back at you.
Do you miss me too?
Baby say I’ll miss you, just say you’ll miss me too.
This week is getting to me and it’s only Monday.
I was thinking today about how truly soul crushing a MF95 is. I used to make fun of people who didn’t go to college and kept what I considered to be a menial job. It’s bitchy, I know, and classist. I was like, jeez get a real job. Have some goals for christ’s sake, right? Well. I’m a college graduate now. And I worked my ass off in college to maintain a 3.96 for whatever reason. I guess to prove I wasn’t a druggie moron, more to myself than to anyone around me. And then I graduated, my big day finally came on a Sunday. The next day I entered the working world and it’s already killing my spirit.
In my menial job at least I got to interact with people. Every day was different. I made their day a little better, while providing a semi-meaningful service. I never dreaded going to work. I got paid to have fun all day and be myself with my friends. Now I sit in a dark cube with a desk and stapler and I look at my stapler and myself in the mirror and think “Look at this stupid asshole in that stupid cardigan with your belted shift dress and silk flats with your stupid notepad.” Every day is exactly the same. I don’t interact with the public. I don’t provide a meaningful service. I don’t want to walk into work everyday. Plus let’s not even get into the pay…
I know you gotta pay your dues. But it’s not even like it’s difficult, due-paying work. It’s just tedious and brain cell killing. It’s like I binge drink for 45 hours a week, that’s how damaging to my brain it is. I feel guilty for having these thoughts, because allegedly I’m lucky to have a job at all, what with “this economy.” And it’s not even a bad place to work, it’s like going out with a nice guy who you just don’t want to sleep with.
I know this story arc is so cliche, “girl puts on cardigan feels like sell out.” But the menial job people have it figured out. They make people happy and contribute a service and in the end are happier for it.
Don’t go to college. Keep your menial job. At least there’s some fucking variety.
I went to the Museum of Death last weekend and it was some of the most fucked up shit I’ve ever seen. The thing that stood out the most to me was a quilt sewn by Charles Manson’s “Family.”
Quilts have a rich history in America- we love quilts. Your grandma probably has like 75 quilts. If you buy a quilt at a craft fair they’re expensive because quilts take hours and hours of labor to produce. Some quilts are passed down through many generations, with each generation adding to the quilt. Quilts can be like a timeline of family history. Simply put, quilts are a comforting symbol of American life.
This quilt was like every quilt I’ve ever seen and yet it wasn’t. This quilt had the same iconic squares as any grandmother’s quilt, and the same florals too. Small flowers danced across the quilt. And yet when you stepped back, you realized the entire fabric of the quilt was made of swastikas. Floral, grandmotherly, quilted swastikas. The contrast of these two concepts was absolutely terrifying in a way I cannot explain. The quilt was also stained with blood which was equally horrifying.
In this museum I saw photos of people who their brains sprayed on sidewalks, mummified children, crime scene photos of a man holding his own severed dick, and yet this, this swastika quilt gave me chills and will stay with me forever.
My new job is cool I think people there are recognizing my spark. Haven’t changed the world yet, but things are good… maybe too good… I’m sure I’ll find a way to ruin it soon. I can’t wait to skip town this weekend. Whenever I go somewhere I like to say I’m skipping town, or fleeing the state. It sounds exciting that way, and leaves an air of doubt about my return. Someday I won’t return but this time I will.
Also It’s been a pretty weird and wild summer.
I JUST GOT FRIEND ZONED.
Friend. Zoned. This has never happened to me. I don’t know how to handle it.